Friday, March 12, 2010

my own Drunken Hookup Failure!

In honor of Deadspin's series on Drunken Hookup Failures, I thought I would enlighten you guys with one (out of many!) of my own, which happened just last Summer, so here we go (NOTE: not for the easily offended!):

OK, so I meet this guy online and we agree to meet at a local gay bar. We've been talking for awhile, he's Mexican, in his mid-20's, kinda short and while he's not really my type he's cute enough and seems like a cool guy. So we have some drinks and hang out for awhile and he suggests we go back to his place. I'm like ok, so we go back to his apartment, where it turns out he lives with his Grandma, who's lounging on the couch in the family room in her robe watching TV.  Well if you know anything about Mexican Grandmas (I had 2), they are a notoriously tough bunch, and as soon as I walk in the apartment she gives me the evil eye! I know that eye well! The guy tells Granny to go to her room and she does, but not before giving me a scowl and that evil eye once again.  I excuse myself to go take a piss and when I turn on the bathroom light I see roaches scatter! Ugh that bathroom was so fucking nasty!   I put the seat up w/ my foot and piss, then get the hell out of there and back to the family room.   The guy doesn't have a room of his own so he has rolled out the sofa bed and we lay down.  We start to make out and I notice his hygiene isn't all great, which I can understand a little cuz it was 100 degrees that day and that night was hot as hell too, but, shit, homeboy stunk!  But I'm drunk and horny enough so I go along with it.   So we are making out, clothes start to come off and he's fully erect, but it's taking me awhile to get there cuz I'm a lil grossed out by the roaches and hygiene, but I finally get hard and grab my bag to get a condom when I hear a noise in the hallway!  OMG I thought, Grandma is watching us!  I grab a sheet and cover myself and tell him to go check the hallway. He does, and no one is there, but I'm positive it was a door I heard!   Anyways, when he comes back to the sofabed, I am no longer erect!  The Grandma in the hallway, imagined or not, was the third strike after the roaches and hygiene, and my dick is limp as fuck!  He tries sucking on it and playing with my balls for awhile, but nothing!   It won't budge!  He asks "Is it me?"  I'm like, of course not, it must be all the booze I had, uh, yeah, that's it, the booze!  So that was that.  He tells me let's just go to sleep. I want to leave but I'm still too buzzed to drive all the way home, so I pretend I'm asleep for about 4 hours, holding in my pee and listening for Grandma in the hallway!  I snuck out at about 5:30 in the morning, humiliated and hungover and never heard from the guy again.....

Hookup FAIL!

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